My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
And travel to a magical, far away place
And the little kid in the back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
YOU KNOW WHY?!?!
And 20 seconds later I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT SAID!
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over ARRRGHGHGHGH ARRRRGHGHGH
That's when I knew it was TRUE LOVE! We were inseparable after that.
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop, you know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell, and everything was juuuust PEACHY!
Except of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
DAAAAAAW! BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT! EVERY SINGLE MORNING! It was driving me crazy!
I said to my mom, I said "Hey, MOM! What's up with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother. She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOOOOOOOU!"
And then she tied me to the wall, and stuck a funnel in my mouth, and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut
Until I was 26 and a half years old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of that basement
And travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining, and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are OH SO FLUFFY!
Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street
Will gladly shave your back for a nickel. WACKA WACKA DOO DOO YEAH!
Well, let me tell you people. It wasn't long at all before my dream came true.
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see
Who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three
But I still won the grand prize! That's right! A FIRST, CLASS, ONE, WAY, TICKET!
TO AAAAAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE! AAAAAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE! OH YEAH!
You know, I've never been on a real airplane before. And I gotta tell ya, it was really great.
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in the back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
AND THE PLANE EXPLODED IN A GIANT FIREBALL! AND EVERYBODY DIED! Except for me.
YOU KNOW WHY?!?!
Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position.
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position
AH HA HA HA! AH HA HA! Ahhhhhh.
So I crawled from the twisted burning wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days. Dragging along:
My big leather suitcase, and my Garnet bag, and my Tenor Saxophone, and my 12 pound bowling ball,
And my lucky, lucky, autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But, finally I arrived at the world famous ALBUQUERQUE HOLIDAY INN! Where the towels are OH SO FLUFFY!
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's okay, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the AC, and I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly
There's a knock on the door. "BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!" Well now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT?!?!" They're not saying anothing
So finally I go over, and I open the door, and JUST AS I SUSPECTED!
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh, man. I hate it when I'm right.
So anyway, he burst into my room, and he grabbed my lucky snorkel
And I'm like, "HEY! YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT! THAT SNORKEL'S BEEN LIKE A SNORKEL TO ME!"
And he's like, "TOUGH!" And I'm like, "GIVE IT!" And he's like, "MAKE ME!" And I'm like, "KAY!"
So I grabbed his leg, and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear, and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix, and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it! And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And 20 seconds later I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT SAID!
It said: "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your OOOOOOPERATOR!"
IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL, PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN! IF YOU NEED HELP, HANG UP AND THEN DIAL YOUR OOOOOOPERATOR!
IN AAAAAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE! AAAAAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solumn vow
RIGHT THEN AND THERE! That I would not rest, I WOULD NOT SLEEP FOR AN INSTANT!, Until the one nostriled man was brought to justice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts.
So I got in my car, and I drope over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says, "YEEEEEAH WADAYA WAAAANT?!"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "NO! We're outta glazed donuts."
I said, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "NO! We're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any bavarian cream filled donuts?" He said, "NO we're outta bavarian cream filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "NO! We're Outta Cinnamon Rolls."
I said, "YOU GOT ANY APPLE FRITTERS?!?!" He said, "NOOOO! WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!!"
I said, "YOU GOT ANY BEAR CLAWS!" He said, "wait a minute. I'll go check."
(Guitar solo) until: "NOOO! WE'RE OUTTA BEAR CLAWS!"
I said, "Well, in that case. In that case, What do you have?"
He says, "All I've got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels."
I say, "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over ARRRGHGHGHGH ARRRRGHGHGH
Oh man, they were just going nuts. They were tearin' me apart.
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head.
I believe it went a little something like this:
DAWWW! GET EM OFF ME! GET EM OFF ME! OOOH! NO GET EM OFF GET EM OFF! OH OH GOD OOOH GOD! OH GEM EM OFF ME! OH OH GOD! AH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I ran out into the street with these flesh eating weasels all over my face
Waving my arms all around and just running, running, running like a constipated wiener dog.
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda.
She was a calligraphy enthusianst with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches.
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me.
She said, "Hey. You've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was TRUE LOVE! We were inseparable after that.
Oh, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito.
So we got married, and we bought us a house, and had two beautiful children: Nathanial and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy. Oh yeah.